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Da Old Pro |
| By Danny Roberts |
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It’s been said if you’re too weird for Asheville you’re
just too weird. I’m here to testify that this is the gospel
because, if for no other reason, this saying wasn’t uttered by a
lawyer or politician. In this day of fake reality shows it’s
refreshing to see there’s still some truth in advertising. Recently a group of women got together in Asheville’s downtown park and removed their tops to protest not having the right to go shirtless the same as men. What a great country we live in. It brings a tear to your eye thinking of the vision our forefathers had when speaking of individual freedom. I saw this story on CNN so the girls definitely got the kind of exposure they were looking for. Of course some idiots showed up hooting, hollering, and jumping around spoiling the seriousness of the occasion. What a bunch of boobs. These young ladies were trying to make valid points showing the discrepancies of how men and women are viewed sexually, they weren’t looking for sympathy. It wasn’t a pity party, it was a titty party. I’m just sorry that I wasn’t there to back them up…so to speak. I missed this important political event but was in town for the Bele Chere festival. Bele Chere is Scottish for “beautiful living” and all you need to do is take a look around see why they call it that. Asheville’s a college town you know. All those little chicas walking around with their shorter than short shorts showing off their lean, tanned legs and tight round butts. Has there ever been a better contribution to the advancement of man than denim shorts, rolled up just so? I didn’t think so. Bele Chere is beer, bands, and babes; if you need any more than that then you’re just too damn needy my friend. But let’s talk weird here. -Bele Chere’s official logo for 2011 is a deserted tropical island. Asheville is in the mountains. I’m just saying. -There’s the white man. Not just any honky, mind you, this guy is completely alabaster, clothes and all, like he’s been dipped in a vat of flour and then dark sunglasses slung on his face. He stands dead still holding his white guitar beside his white bucket waiting for you to lay down your money. He’ll then play you a song. Anything but “Play that Funky Music, White Boy”. I asked. He doesn’t talk. I just assumed and walked on. -One of the bands played “gypsy fusion”, this is not a song, it’s a genre. Another band played ragtime music on a street corner while in drag. There’s a statement being made here but it’s completely out of my comprehension. -At one point I found myself talking to a girl with dreadlocks, dyed red and green. She had piercings in pretty much everything that protruded from her face and head; lips, brows, ears, nose. Her tattooing was expensive. Despite these efforts she remained beautiful, her eyes a stunning sea-green. -There was some guy attempting to escape from a strait-jacket while telling jokes. I can’t honestly say if he was a street performer or not. -There were the golden girls and the bronze girl. These young ladies were decked out in the dress of the late 1800’s. Two of them were painted gold from head to toe. The third girl was bronze. The golden girls stood motionless until you gave them money; they then gave you a smile. I’m sure I’ve given women money and gotten less in return. The bronze girl had the same gig except she would play a snare drum for you. When you come in third I guess you have to actually do something. She probably figured that banging on a drum all day was better than work. -Dogs diving into water. For a mere dollar you could see how far your dog could jump into a huge pool of water. Conceptually beautiful because how many chances do you get to embarrass your dog in public, in front of his peers? You don’t have to be weird to enjoy this town. You just need to like weird to enjoy it to its fullest. Next year I’ll be in town for the breast fest. |
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Editors Note: Danny is filling in for the Pro while he keeps and eye on Obama. Danny is the author of the runaway hit book "Spittin' At Cats and Other Selfish Acts" that everybody you know is talking about. Don't feel left out! Pick up your copy by clicking here: Spittin' At Cats |